Monday, June 14, 2010

Great weekend and the big change in my life

It has been such a great few days!  I enjoyed time with my niece, Justin's girlfriend, my brother and kids, and on Saturday we had a BBQ with my brother-in-law and his family.  After that, we all went and watched/listened to a Beatles tribute band outdoors.  It was a busy week/weekend but so much fun for sure!

Now onto getting stuff off my chest.  This may be long because I have copied and pasted a few emails that I need to share so there is a better understanding as to why I've made the changes that I have.

As many know, I have not had the greatest relationship with my mom (I use that word loosely).  Well, I have tried hard to make it work by just keeping her at arm length and going by what is comfortable for me as far as how much communication goes.  Since our Yellowstone trip, it has been rough, to say the least.  Well, around September things went south fast.  Stuff happened with her, she got evil with emails because she jumped to conclusions and even after telling her how she jumped to conclusions, she still got mad and was just plain mean.  This went on for months so I finally told her that I don't need this kind of evil in my life and need a break from it all.  It's not fair to my family or to myself.  She finally said okay and she will give me space and I thanked her for that.  Well I have sent holiday cards to her and an Anniversary card, so I have not taken her out of my life completely and have done just what I said I would do.  She was fine with all of that.  My graduation was coming up so hubby sent out the invites to family.  Vickie (my "mom") was the first to reply, and she was declining the invite.  Now get this, she was declining because a cousin of her husband, who he hasn't seen in 15 years was coming into town that weekend (which means a total stranger to her)!  I couldn't believe that she was ditching her own daughter for a complete stranger.  I am the only one in the family to get a degree and this was her moment as a mother to make things right again with her daughter.  My day came and went without a single text, call, or card from her.  A few weekends ago I received this email from her:

I am writing this in hopes that you read it.

You have me totally confused about what you want from me! You said that you only want a casual relationship. I have given you that and nothing has happened.

What I want is for us to stop blaming each other for every thing and get back to being together. I can't see my life without you in it. I have had a hard time giving you your space that you asked for. I just want to get us back to the good times. I miss holding you and shopping, and everything else we have done together. It's time to stop all this and just love and care about each other. I will call your cell number on Friday June 4th at 10am. This will give you time to think about whether or not you want me back in your life. No matter what you decide I will always love you. It's up to you now, If you don't answer then I will know your not ready to put things aside.

Love ,

I was quite surprised by this email, but happy to see it was actually a nice one.  So, I wrote back right away, and this is what I wrote:

That was a very kind letter, and I thank you for that. I'm surprised by it, however. I did reach out, on one of the most important moments in my life, and you chose to spend your day with a complete stranger. That hurt, for a moment... I did get the message loud and clear though. So you see, though your letter was kind, I do not understand your confusion. Seems pretty clear-cut to me.

And this is what came back:

I have tried to make amends with you! We will never get anywhere as long as you continue on this path. You will NEVER hear from me again. I will leave you along as you obviously want.This is not the way I wanted it to go but, as always have it your way! Have a nice life! Please don't write back!

Nice huh?  I will say that these are nicer then the past ones were, but this was the last straw.  I was happy every day until I got this from her.  When she is out of the picture, life is just better for me.  She was the only negative element in my life for many years as you may remember and I have finally had enough and I'm done.  I don't miss her, I don't feel guilty, and I do feel free.  Her whole family is on my side, even my grandpa.  They all know how she is and feel the same way about her, so I know without a doubt that I have made the right decision with this.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest, and now you know :)


Brit-Man said...

I feel for you Colette, I really do. I have never had you in my life like she has, but ever since we crossed paths so to speak, I've never wanted anything but the best for you.

I admit that despite trying to make contact a few times in recent months, we did temporarily have a divergance if I can call it that, but I never forgot about you.

I'm so glad that in the last few days we have been able to connect more again, because my life is always more fulfilled when you are in it and it's only because you and I kind of bumped into each other over 3 years ago and you initially connected with me emotionally and vice versa that I realised what a gift you are to someone.

If two people with similar emotional traits, were to be severed for good from each other, (which I hope never happens), I'd never forget the impact you have made on me, because it's not always about the way a person is in person, but what they are like with spoken words and positive deeds.

I will probably never meet you, but it doesn't matter to me, because you have always been more than I could ever have expected and if I could have the chance, to comment on everything I did comment on all over again, I'd not
alter the ethos of eery positive and caring message I've sent your way.

This is why I can't understand why someone who has had you in their life for around 42 years, acts selfishly, erraticly and in a hurtful way, then acts like you're the instigator of much of it.

For a Mother to irreperably damage a personal life-long bond, seems so wasteful and unbelievable, when someone like me can appreciate you for every good thing we have shared as two people.

If you have to do this to be able ot be more of the person you deserve to be, emotionally and mentally then it must be so.

There are people from all corners of your life, that will care about you, wish the best for you and think so much of you.

You're not someone that will ever make a big impact no the world, but by making such a positive impact on several people, from all walks of life, you becoem a quie special Lady in your own right and a positive people magnet as well.

I'm very proud of what you have done with your life as a Mother and a person. I've read about a lot of it, enough ot make that statement and I'm proud to have given you every word and comment I've ever given you. It has never been a waste of any of my time.

I'm sorry you and your Mother may never have anything worthwhile again, but never should you feel for a moment as if anything you may have done became a factor.

When someone like that repeatedly hurts their own family and will not or cannot see it, even when it's shown to them in the simplest of ways, then they don't deserve the people they hurt to be in their life much if at all.

Blood may be thicker than water, but blood can still be poisoned, so why should you be a victim of someone elses poison, when most of your family probably value you almost as highly as their own lives?

I'm sending you a BIG PAT ON THE BACK, from one person to another and to say THANK YOU for just being you. You don't need to be anything else, because you're beautiful in your own way.

CONGRATULATIONS on graduating and GOOD LUCK with all the things it can allow you to do.

You are a true, genuine and honest Lady and one of the best kinds of people a person can have in their life.

Life's too short for recriminations or causing constant hurt and damage to those around you, so I'll apologise profusely in advance for anything I may ever do in the future, that isn't proper and right towards a Lady.

Brit-Man said...

You don't have to worry about what your recent past may do to your life, because all those in and around it, will make sure it goes as well as can be for you. I'm sure of that.

Just keep being you and then the negative things won't matter so much, because your Mother severed something that could have been priceless.

You will never be that person to your daughter, because you are so incredibly human and that is something to be so proud about; that in my mind, you have been a wonderful Mother to your children from day one.

GOOD LUCK again and best wishes with everything right now. I'll be around to see how it goes, for as long as you'll let me, because you will always have my friendship for life if you want it.

:-) :-).


Maggie said...

You and I have a lot in common when it comes to how our mothers make us feel.
Her second letter was obvious, that she took offense and instead of saying "I'm sorry" I hurt you, wish I could take it back and have come to your graduation. She knew she was wrong, so she took the other road... the one that makes her look like the victim. Yeah, been there done that with my mom.

I'm so sorry, to see someone else having to go through this with their mother. All you want is for them to act like a mother, but, it just can't happen.

I'm sad to say, I don't miss mine, but I do "miss having a mother". If that makes sense.

You're a good person, and you'll get through this. You have us for support. We <3 you!

hayleycepeda said...

Oh Colette I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. I am so incredibly close to my mom and can't imagine what it'd be like if she acted the way yours did. I can only say that I'm glad you feel relieved and liberated with your decision and it's evident in how close you and Ashley are that you've chosen NOT to be the same way your mom was with you. Thanks so much for sharing this with us - you're very brave for doing so! I wish you nothing but the deserve that!

Congratulations again on your degree! I remember how proud I was of my mom when she got hers. It is truly an amazing accomplishment and you deserve all the accolades you get! :)