I have been letting the past swirl inside my head for a few weeks, and really didn't understand why all of a sudden this is going on. The night before last I had a dream, but it was pretty much real life being re-enacted. WTF? After all these years this crap is coming up? Well, I gave it a ton of thought, and I realized that the reason for this being so prominent in my head is because my daughter is now the exact age that I was when my so-called mother kicked me out. I'm thinking I need to journal the thoughts that are in my head. I thought about just not posting this, but I've always made my blog nothing but honest and raw, so why stop now. I'm not looking for comments, just looking to find peace within myself. Not sure how long this will be, and don't care. I obviously need to do something to stop the dreams and memories throughout the day. To make matters worse...or maybe just a coincidence, I received a type written letter in the mail from my mother. My stomach turned...what timing, huh? I was going to just toss it in the trash, but didn't. I read the first sentence and that was all I needed to see. Right off the bat it was attacking, so it ended up in the trash anyway. Well, here I go with what has been swimming around in my head lately...
When I was six, my parents divorced. Dad was always in our lives and we lived with mom. Things were pretty good still, but for whatever reason they slowly began to change. I was to young to remember why the changes were happening, I just knew they were. We lived in some apartments in Napa and that is where my mom hooked up with a married man who had two older sons. I remember when things got bad between her and this man, I would have to wait for him down the road, as he was due home from work and deliver not-so-nice messages to him...this is the point that life turned bad for me. I was embarrassed to be doing this, but she is my mom and I did what she told me to do. He had one son who would come over and watch my brother and I every once in-awhile. He was not a nice person...I told my mom and she didn't believe me. At least that was the only time this happened with this guy (later he was put in jail for rape...shock shock...not). As time went on, my moms anger was getting stronger towards my dad. I dont' know why. She began to tell me that he was not my real father, that I better watch out around him because he may try to do something to me (I remember one time after that, my dad and I were going down/up the stairs at the same time and his shoulder brushed up against my boob, and it gave me such a horrible feeling...like she was right). She would tell us that our dad slept with his sister and his cousin. I think I was about ten or eleven when this was going on. In my heart, I didn't believe her words, but why would she say these horrible things? Later, Dad re-married. It was to a woman who had three kids and they were younger then me. I felt sad...these kids were living with my dad now, and I was just visiting him every-other weekend. What happened? I felt alone now. I lost my dad to those kids and it wasn't fair! She then met Mike, another married man. He left his wife for my mom and this is where my life spins out of control!
~Mom started drinking...Mike too was drinking. We then moved a few hours away from dad...bad things would follow. They never told dad where we lived...child support would go straight to the lawyer. Dad would send us Christmas money...we would send him a note back thanking him for the money, we bought dinner or a tree for our family with it (and we did). I had to start writing hurtful letters to my dad (which he still has). I would play dumb and act like I didn't know what to say, so mom would stand over me saying the words and I wrote them down. When I read them now, you can tell those were not the words of a child. the guilt I still feel about that is so deep! Of course dad doesn't blame me for that, but still, I hurt him. Since dad was out of the picture now, Mike would make comments about my changing body and I would start to cover-up more. Mom began telling me that my father had a cocaine addiction, this on top of the sleeping with his sister and cousin. I didn't know what to believe, but this couldn't be true...could it? All I knew was that we no longer saw my dad, and he was raising someone elses kids while we were going through hell! Mike had a friend who drove my brother and I somewhere (don't remember where) and this person started talking about his girlfriend and how she said some pretty hurtful things to him. I am a person who is ultra-sensitive to feelings, that I tried to comfort him by telling him he was nice (I'm thirteen now). He stopped the car and asked me to come outside with him...he wanted to talk to me privately. My brother stayed in the car. This man asked if I meant what I said, and I said yes. He then kissed me fully on the mouth! I remember shaking and knowing this was not right...what is happening? He then took us home and I ran into my room. I then heard him ask my mom and Mike if he could take me on vacation...to help get his mind off of his girl problems. Thank God they said no!! Mom then came into my room asking what the hell did I do to lead this guy on like that? This was MY fault! Yes, I'm sure she was drunk, but how could she say this to me? I am a girl who has never had a boyfriend, always in the house keeping her company, shy beyond belief!
~I was now fifteen, a freshman in high school. I was so shy and the last thing I wanted was attention drawn to me. Life was not pretty for me. I saw things I shouldn't have and had things done to me that shouldn't have been done. The final straw...to this day I don't know exactly what happened, but do know something bad happened. It's blocked deep inside me and I'm okay with it staying there. What I remember is laying on a bed, Mike crying next to me...that is ALL I remember. The next few weeks I was in a walking coma, so to speak. No feelings felt about anything...good or bad. Just walking in a daze, going about life like a robot. One day mom had enough of this from me...she was going to make me feel something! She pinned me against the hallway wall and started slapping me in the face, hitting my body, yelling FEEL THIS? YOU WILL FEEL THIS!! and she kept doing this until i finally cried, and I cried and I cried!! About a week later, I was babysitting and my mom came over, to tell me that my dad (who I haven't heard from in a few years...who was a cocaine addict and the other stuff) was on his way and I will be living with him now. She then went up to me and gave me one quick slap across my face and left. I didn't know what was going on or why this was happening!! I was scared, hurt, confused! Dad then showed up, with my stuff in his car. He was nervous too, not knowing what kind of person I have become. Mom told him either he takes me or she was putting me in juvenile hall, so of course he was scared.
~Turns out that that this was the best thing for me. There were still letters that were sent from her...hurtful ones, and years later when I asked her about what happened with Mike and me...her answer was, "only you can answer that" I know she knows....something inside me just knows this is true, yet she won't say. I was the one to be blamed...again. So much pain growing up, and she thinks it should just all be gone? Even now, nothing is her fault. She doesn't see how her words hurt deep, just like they did in the past. No matter what, SHE is the victim. She found it okay to be friends with a man who is on Megan's Law and let my daughter in his front yard...when I found this out and confronted her about it, she took it as me finding a reason to not let my kids visit her, and the guys was falsely accused. See, nothing has changed and it never will!
~Ashley is now at the age that I was when I moved in with my dad. I thank God that she NEVER went through ANY of the crap I went through, and never will. Her life is solid. She has parents that are happily married and watch over her at all times. No drama going on...just living a happy care-free life and growing up strong, confident, independent, intelligent, full of love kind of life. The kind of life every child should be growing up in, but sadly not. Her life in no way resembles my life, and for that I am thankful and proud of myself. It's common to repeat the cycle of life, but I am strong enough to stop that from happening. It was hard at times, and still gets in my head, but I am stronger then that and my kids will NEVER have to go through anything even close to what I went through! My childhood sucked big time, but it fills me with such deep happiness watching my children grow up in the complete opposite. They are my world and I will always have their back and they will always come before anyone! My love is theirs and they know it! THAT is what a mom is :)
I hope this will now allow me to be free of these thoughts...